For years...indeed, most of my conscious life... I have been bedeviled by a psychological malady which has either manifested because of, or caused TO manifest, a physical one.
To briefly define the two: psychologically, I have taken on some pretty rabid sorrow and self-doubt pertaining to my body weight. The medical term for my physical malady: morbidly obese. It has negatively altered 'me' in many ways, as far as I can tell.
My self-confidence is low, because I took seriously the gazes of strangers. Because I took personally the back-handed compliments of friends. Because of this low opinion of myself (founded in the idea that I could fix this... I know the routines... but did nothing serious to that end) I feel I have taken on no meaningful challenges and my material routine is floundering, keeping me from the resources that would allow me to do more for myself that I would like.
I know what it's like to be mocked so well, in fact, that I got into the habit of doing it myself before anyone else was able to. Beat them to the punch, so to speak... but I was punching myself.
The better part of me understands that the body is just a receptacle. The "soul" or whatever you want to call it... let's go with consciousness... is inherently valuable. This should be the point of this human experience. How many people "challenged" in any of a countless number of physical or mental ways is able to live with happiness, a grander sense of purpose, a dharma? How many people hundreds of pounds heavier have been taken hold of by inspiration, and brought their bodies back from the dead?
I suppose that inspiration hasn't quite taken over in me yet, or not in any form I recognize. While I have been overweight to varying degrees over the past 30 years, it has had little effect on my energy levels. I have had plenty of mental and physical stamina. I have had plenty of dexterity, being a little more light on my feet than most my size.
This has changed.
I am finally tired. I finally feel no good. Like my body is deteriorating.
And I am worn out, mentally... spiritually... physically...
The hardest thing right now is to muster up the energy to do the right thing. But life is not worth living in a state of decline. Although I know it is never too late to change, I realize that doing so - getting on the path back from whence I came - requires a change of identity. I can no longer be that passionless one who watches the erosion with indifference.
I'm sick.
