Not a new pic, but recent.  A reminder that there's an infinitely gigantic world to a countless number of creatures, and they don't pay attention to Wall Street.

Rewire

Mosquitoes make it difficult to meditate near the lake.  Certainly I could sit in the car with windows up, but then there's hardly a reason to do this at the lake.  Might as well sit at home.  And that's what I need to avoid at present.

The reality is, the more I realize my discontent, the less home feels like home.  Inevitably this leads to the question (tired, but appropriate) "what is home?"  It's rhetorical at best, since the literal answer tells nothing.  It's the symbolic meaning we're after.  Sometimes it's the meadows of Nebraska, the arms of a lover, the coffee shop of Main Street.  There are no more mom & pop shops, so it can't be there.  Sometimes home is on the road, a contradiction I find all too true for myself.

Whatever the case, this town is not home for me.  It represents a poor decision - the result of a get-up - and - go idea that floundered very quickly.  A year spent planning a move that would improve my fortunes (and it was not money that drove me so much as the hope to create more opportunities for myself and the kids).  Yet I arrived and found myself in the same situations, only making less money, less free time, fewer friends.  All in all, a complete failure when based on intention.

While I keep playing this sad song, I haven't penned a better tune.  My idea that relocating to the Valley will open more opportunities is not much different than the ill-tides that brought me here.  A blender doesn't become a microwave by moving it to a different counter.   Only disassembly, melt-down, remolding, and reconstruction will do the job.

As a person, obviously, this is not possible.  So I've got to rewire the device as it stands.

Glorious disembodiment

I've taken on a very esoteric task -- rewiring the brain.  Not in some tiny fashion either.  Big swaths of wire snipped and rerouted.  Step one was to disconnect from virtually all my "social networks".  They're a distraction.  This blog is more meaningful to me, unclogged as it is by dumb memes, banal corn, uncreative intellects... not to call myself superior by any means... it is just nice to limit the content exposure.  Rewiring requires that I pay attention to myself a little closer... and a few select beings that aren't trapped in disempowering patterns.  I spend too much time playing a role for others, being distracted by vanity, rather than embracing my higher source. 

I don't know where the path leads... I just know it feels different.  And that I am excited by the prospect of embracing my particular nature rather than compromising to soothe the sensibilities of the uncreative.

Redefinition (a 'finite game' post)

Though I am forced by finances to up my lease for another 6 months, I am convinced at the end of this period that I'm going to have to relocate once more.  It is tempting to keep following the small town dream, though this has brought with it the difficulties of limited budget.  So far, whatever talents I have have not manifested in a heightened financial stability...yet.  For a while I feel I have to chase the money.  In a way it doing this will also shake up my life, which may be what I need to get out of emotional/spiritual complacency.   This is likely to mean a return to the big city.  Phoenix area, which I'm not fond of but it's still within reach of the children.  Doing this of course means that I have a better plan in mind, and that I'm not just recreating the same life I have here down there.  Moving over the hill from Cottonwood into Prescott Valley, I intended to improve all the aspects of my life. However it turned out everything just got a little bit more difficult.  Same job, less pay, more days per week... Worse apartments, fewer friends... Bigger place but fewer opportunities.  So picking up and going I have to be very serious that I don't again end up in the same life with worse opportunities.  Of course the whole thing is that you have to be different internally.  Environment means little if you're not willing to change.  I feel like I want to change but don't know how.  It's fear, pure and simple.  But I can't imagine what to be afraid of... Maybe that I'll have to take responsibility.  But if you always live in fear, never risking anything,  what's the point of life at all?  As the saying goes, a ship can be safe, left in the harbor ...but that's not what ships are built for.  One is not a captain of their soul just walking the dock in the marina.  The next big questions are what am I, and what can I do?  I don't think the answers are here, in my familiar routine, anymore.