I think it's fair to say at this point that I am in need of some higher sense of contribution. Presuming that the human experience really does have a grander purpose (as any notion otherwise demotes it to mere happenstance of evolution) then certainly I must narrow my focus to doing more than just blundering through my routine everyday.
So much of my focus has been on body issues, though the body itself is little more than a container that expresses itself visually. There was a good question raised long ago - what conflicts would we have if we had no bodies? We would no longer need to collect possessions, pay bills, be jealous or appalled at who-sexed-who, fear our mortality, compete with one another... etc. Rhetorical question, maybe. But the point is, this container my "self" marionettes around in is not "me". It just becomes a tool for interaction.
Religion wants to create a set of guidelines for how we are to interact with one another, who is in charge of who, and where our genitals and hearts are allowed to go. While many of the religious ideologies claim to have only our "higher self's" interests in mind, they still deign to arbitrary rules such as which days of the year you can't eat meat, or who can love who, and whether or not our freedom to think is a test of our higher self or just a flaw in design that accepting the Great Big Cosmic Vending Machine in the Sky will compensate for.
With all of this said, I still have focused far too much attention on the "imperfections" of the body that carries me around, as if the way it is has fallen out of favor with the grand scheme of it all (if there is one). It is exactly how conditions allowed it to be. When I sit here embarrassed of the rounded lump of fatty tissue pouring over my belt, the universe moves on, ignoring me while I judge it. I'm full of silly ideas like that, and yet see them as silly... here we really have two people now: Me, and the one being judged (lower-case me). No wonder we get confused.
Once I can see this inherent silliness, surely there is no issue in putting it to rest. Step one: stop dividing Me into two. Who is this silly person that allowed the body to become diseased? The higher self (Me) finds no advantage to the disease process, as clearly the focus on body issues diverts attention from the "higher" questions of existence. So why not listen to Me rather than me? Why would I let me continue to take the wheel when that's who got lost? The one that knows how to get home, without judgment, is Me. The only challenge is to get me to give up the keys, and that doesn't have to be a challenge unless I/Me/me decide it is.
In simpler terms, it's worth remembering what Einstein suggested - that the mind that got you here is not the mind that will get you where you want to be. I have been giving me attention when it's really Me that has the answer. So I respect and thank me, and let me go. Now it's up to Me.
It's no surprise that my greatest gains in weight (and the accompanying disease processes) coincide with personal losses and traumas. This is not to suggest that I have endured anything more troubling than anyone else. But my response to these difficulties was too often a body-damaging one. Rather than take positive response to disappointment, I crushed them down with food or cigarettes or substances. For the past decade, my crutch has been food, and not quality food - dopamine-tripping foods that the body cannot effectively process. The rush of a dopamine surge was no different than any other chemical high except that it was justified (weakly) by the argument that the human body MUST be given food, or it will die. (Of course, this argument fails since the body needs QUALITY food to survive, and any other type will achieve the opposite effect, in quicker time). The body gives up eventually, no matter how healthy the diet, but the effect on the spirit that dwells within can be damaged by that constant need for a dopamine surge. Eat one cookie, feel good for a few seconds, then eat another for another rush. Calories pile up in the flesh - useless ones - fat and disease increase, spirit dampens, purpose is crushed under the weight of disappointing the self... what cure is there to be had? A quick dopamine surge.... and the cycle continues.
There's no proof that change needs to be difficult, but we often decide it must be so - because if it turned out easy, we'd beat ourselves up over not having done it before! Or, we can stop listening to 'me'. That's the person that brought you to Jackass Acres. Thank him/her for the ride, then get on a better bus. And take note of the 'No Complaining" sign - it's there to remind you there's no good or bad life; there's just life, and you get to decide how to live it.
Looking back on the past with distaste is NOT a viable reason to make no changes. All there is for you is THIS MOMENT, and nothing in the past can take the wheel from you unless you let it.
