Operating on the principle that life is either:
a) The product of a divine creator, for whatever the hell purpose such a creator would bother;
or
b) Just a big chemical stew that somehow created the human and its insufferably self-important brain
...one is bound to design some foundation for action. Motivation. Purpose. Call it what you will.
If the answer is a), then in fact the higher purpose doesn't belong to the human; it is our mission to be marionetted by the whims of the cosmos. People keep themselves busy by 1) writing a new paradigm and surrounding it in just enough mysticism to get others to follow along; 2) inheriting one of these belief systems and arguing with others about the semantics of the system, either disliking or outright hating the people who disagree; or 3) taking what they find to be personally meaningful from the greater philosophy, living their life, and not having to argue with anyone about it.
If the answer is b), then the higher purpose is just something to pass the time with, since life is a chemical and magnetic process with no great underlying intelligence. Meaning cannot be applied to it beyond that, otherwise it falls under a) all of the sudden. Joy is as meaningless a response as anger, indifference as noble as altruism. Entertainment, passion, love, or art are useless endeavors, since they serve no purpose to the survival of the organism. They produce a chemical response, but only if they are seen to be above the basic experience of simple organic survival - and if they are above it, then again, we go back to category a).
I have never felt comfortable (or taken seriously) the idea of the Great Big Cosmic Vending Machine in the Sky, nor do I believe (entirely) that this is all a great big accident of science, bitch. I suppose I am category a.5) There is an organizing intelligence that underlies the whole show, but it is certainly not the ones the masses abide by; there is something to the chaos theory as well. Intelligent foundation, free will to act, divine response, free response. The notion of me as a separate creature to the intelligent foundation is untenable - it supposes I somehow emerge from a divine source, am disconnected by the process and have to reconnect for some purpose that no one agrees on, but is just too gosh-darn amazing to dismiss. Codswallop, I say.
The beauty is, it doesn't matter if anyone agrees or disagrees. That silly-nilly we call 'ego' (something we envision as an imp of the mind, when it is, in fact, nothing more than a set of responses to others' demands) needs you to agree. And your silly ego needs me to approve of you. What if we were just thought processes - bodies didn't exist?
We wouldn't have to work for a living, since there would be no resources to produce or protect. Money would serve no purpose. Sex would be unnecessary. We wouldn't be able to compare possessions. We would no longer need to fear one another's egalitarian illusions.
Our relationships to others are just pure thought. How easily we can go from love to hate with nothing having actually taken place besides a thought - even if a mistaken one. Just as easily, we can go from friendship to "greater" love through a simple turn of a thought.
We go from addict to sober with a single thought. Sure, a lot of preparation leads up to that quantum moment - but it takes just a simple "I'm done" to end a bad habit.
Thoughts, whether "out of the blue" or trained responses, are the marrow of this thing we call life. Our bodies and our physical possessions and our borders and our paychecks and so on are just extraneous things that happen because we're somehow trapped in bodies. Our experience of life is expressed through the limitations of our language boxes. Can you describe the taste of a pineapple to me, accurately, if I've never tasted one? You might give me an idea, but it's only experience that gives me the real answer. No matter what words you use, my thoughts are better informed by personal experience. My notions of the Big Creative Force (and the fact that I am an extension of it, not a separate unholy thing that was cast here into this life and forced to answer for it) make sense to me, and in a way that transcends language. Words are insufficient, as this journal entry aptly demonstrates.
This, and any entry by anyone ever, is just the result of some wisp of source energy dismantling its higher message through the great limitations of language. It plasters itself on the screen, waiting for some other extension of source energy to witness it, respond through the limitations of its own language. Why we do it, I may never understand. Or maybe I will. Whatever the case, this human experience seems designed to dumb down the spiritual one. (Unless, of course, it's all just a chemical/magnetic accident to you - and having read this, you have outed yourself as a category a).)
Monday, May 2, 2016
Monday, February 15, 2016
On a Higher Scale
I think it's fair to say at this point that I am in need of some higher sense of contribution. Presuming that the human experience really does have a grander purpose (as any notion otherwise demotes it to mere happenstance of evolution) then certainly I must narrow my focus to doing more than just blundering through my routine everyday.
So much of my focus has been on body issues, though the body itself is little more than a container that expresses itself visually. There was a good question raised long ago - what conflicts would we have if we had no bodies? We would no longer need to collect possessions, pay bills, be jealous or appalled at who-sexed-who, fear our mortality, compete with one another... etc. Rhetorical question, maybe. But the point is, this container my "self" marionettes around in is not "me". It just becomes a tool for interaction.
Religion wants to create a set of guidelines for how we are to interact with one another, who is in charge of who, and where our genitals and hearts are allowed to go. While many of the religious ideologies claim to have only our "higher self's" interests in mind, they still deign to arbitrary rules such as which days of the year you can't eat meat, or who can love who, and whether or not our freedom to think is a test of our higher self or just a flaw in design that accepting the Great Big Cosmic Vending Machine in the Sky will compensate for.
With all of this said, I still have focused far too much attention on the "imperfections" of the body that carries me around, as if the way it is has fallen out of favor with the grand scheme of it all (if there is one). It is exactly how conditions allowed it to be. When I sit here embarrassed of the rounded lump of fatty tissue pouring over my belt, the universe moves on, ignoring me while I judge it. I'm full of silly ideas like that, and yet see them as silly... here we really have two people now: Me, and the one being judged (lower-case me). No wonder we get confused.
Once I can see this inherent silliness, surely there is no issue in putting it to rest. Step one: stop dividing Me into two. Who is this silly person that allowed the body to become diseased? The higher self (Me) finds no advantage to the disease process, as clearly the focus on body issues diverts attention from the "higher" questions of existence. So why not listen to Me rather than me? Why would I let me continue to take the wheel when that's who got lost? The one that knows how to get home, without judgment, is Me. The only challenge is to get me to give up the keys, and that doesn't have to be a challenge unless I/Me/me decide it is.
In simpler terms, it's worth remembering what Einstein suggested - that the mind that got you here is not the mind that will get you where you want to be. I have been giving me attention when it's really Me that has the answer. So I respect and thank me, and let me go. Now it's up to Me.
It's no surprise that my greatest gains in weight (and the accompanying disease processes) coincide with personal losses and traumas. This is not to suggest that I have endured anything more troubling than anyone else. But my response to these difficulties was too often a body-damaging one. Rather than take positive response to disappointment, I crushed them down with food or cigarettes or substances. For the past decade, my crutch has been food, and not quality food - dopamine-tripping foods that the body cannot effectively process. The rush of a dopamine surge was no different than any other chemical high except that it was justified (weakly) by the argument that the human body MUST be given food, or it will die. (Of course, this argument fails since the body needs QUALITY food to survive, and any other type will achieve the opposite effect, in quicker time). The body gives up eventually, no matter how healthy the diet, but the effect on the spirit that dwells within can be damaged by that constant need for a dopamine surge. Eat one cookie, feel good for a few seconds, then eat another for another rush. Calories pile up in the flesh - useless ones - fat and disease increase, spirit dampens, purpose is crushed under the weight of disappointing the self... what cure is there to be had? A quick dopamine surge.... and the cycle continues.
There's no proof that change needs to be difficult, but we often decide it must be so - because if it turned out easy, we'd beat ourselves up over not having done it before! Or, we can stop listening to 'me'. That's the person that brought you to Jackass Acres. Thank him/her for the ride, then get on a better bus. And take note of the 'No Complaining" sign - it's there to remind you there's no good or bad life; there's just life, and you get to decide how to live it.
Looking back on the past with distaste is NOT a viable reason to make no changes. All there is for you is THIS MOMENT, and nothing in the past can take the wheel from you unless you let it.
So much of my focus has been on body issues, though the body itself is little more than a container that expresses itself visually. There was a good question raised long ago - what conflicts would we have if we had no bodies? We would no longer need to collect possessions, pay bills, be jealous or appalled at who-sexed-who, fear our mortality, compete with one another... etc. Rhetorical question, maybe. But the point is, this container my "self" marionettes around in is not "me". It just becomes a tool for interaction.
Religion wants to create a set of guidelines for how we are to interact with one another, who is in charge of who, and where our genitals and hearts are allowed to go. While many of the religious ideologies claim to have only our "higher self's" interests in mind, they still deign to arbitrary rules such as which days of the year you can't eat meat, or who can love who, and whether or not our freedom to think is a test of our higher self or just a flaw in design that accepting the Great Big Cosmic Vending Machine in the Sky will compensate for.
With all of this said, I still have focused far too much attention on the "imperfections" of the body that carries me around, as if the way it is has fallen out of favor with the grand scheme of it all (if there is one). It is exactly how conditions allowed it to be. When I sit here embarrassed of the rounded lump of fatty tissue pouring over my belt, the universe moves on, ignoring me while I judge it. I'm full of silly ideas like that, and yet see them as silly... here we really have two people now: Me, and the one being judged (lower-case me). No wonder we get confused.
Once I can see this inherent silliness, surely there is no issue in putting it to rest. Step one: stop dividing Me into two. Who is this silly person that allowed the body to become diseased? The higher self (Me) finds no advantage to the disease process, as clearly the focus on body issues diverts attention from the "higher" questions of existence. So why not listen to Me rather than me? Why would I let me continue to take the wheel when that's who got lost? The one that knows how to get home, without judgment, is Me. The only challenge is to get me to give up the keys, and that doesn't have to be a challenge unless I/Me/me decide it is.
In simpler terms, it's worth remembering what Einstein suggested - that the mind that got you here is not the mind that will get you where you want to be. I have been giving me attention when it's really Me that has the answer. So I respect and thank me, and let me go. Now it's up to Me.
It's no surprise that my greatest gains in weight (and the accompanying disease processes) coincide with personal losses and traumas. This is not to suggest that I have endured anything more troubling than anyone else. But my response to these difficulties was too often a body-damaging one. Rather than take positive response to disappointment, I crushed them down with food or cigarettes or substances. For the past decade, my crutch has been food, and not quality food - dopamine-tripping foods that the body cannot effectively process. The rush of a dopamine surge was no different than any other chemical high except that it was justified (weakly) by the argument that the human body MUST be given food, or it will die. (Of course, this argument fails since the body needs QUALITY food to survive, and any other type will achieve the opposite effect, in quicker time). The body gives up eventually, no matter how healthy the diet, but the effect on the spirit that dwells within can be damaged by that constant need for a dopamine surge. Eat one cookie, feel good for a few seconds, then eat another for another rush. Calories pile up in the flesh - useless ones - fat and disease increase, spirit dampens, purpose is crushed under the weight of disappointing the self... what cure is there to be had? A quick dopamine surge.... and the cycle continues.
There's no proof that change needs to be difficult, but we often decide it must be so - because if it turned out easy, we'd beat ourselves up over not having done it before! Or, we can stop listening to 'me'. That's the person that brought you to Jackass Acres. Thank him/her for the ride, then get on a better bus. And take note of the 'No Complaining" sign - it's there to remind you there's no good or bad life; there's just life, and you get to decide how to live it.
Looking back on the past with distaste is NOT a viable reason to make no changes. All there is for you is THIS MOMENT, and nothing in the past can take the wheel from you unless you let it.
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Somatico
It's easy enough to see the connection between mood and body. For example, in witnessing the clock face and calculating that I had plenty of time to attend to some bodily requirements (specifically, a round of calisthenics at the local fitness center) I discovered my mood open to the notion (though somewhat indifferent as opposed to inspired). As I prepped myself for the trip, my desire to accomplish this needed trip began to wane, to the point where, just a quarter mile from home, I had quite made up my immediate mind that there was little point in doing so. My energy level then mirrored this newfound mood.
Of course, if I were sensible in the least, I would have risen above this sensation and done the exercise nonetheless. Instead, here I sit in the coffeehouse with my stomach scrunched against the table edge while I nurse my iced coffee and try to find some semblance of wisdom in my own typed words.
The fact that I can be derailed so easily by a momentary lapse of energy is telling. It's perhaps the greatest argument for actually doing the work. After all, the exercise is not difficult. I tend to feel somewhat refreshed at the end of it. There is only the defeated feeling I have manifested over time that, following the work, I am even more inspired to consume things that negate my progress. Over time this realization has evolved into the thought that, unless I am both an exercise junky and a wise diner, the effort is wasted.
Obviously, this is a correct mindset if my intention is to tone this body. Is that my motivation though? Should I approach it with vanity? My heart says no, which therefore adds more fuel to the demotivation fire. I should certainly be focused on health, particularly with advancing age and infirmity. And yet, there is little excitement for me in this. It makes it feel like work. No less so than going to my tedious current job, which gets just slightly more difficult to do every night I go.
Typing this all out, of course, makes it all seem very silly. I'm too old for this childish whining. Do the right thing because there's a bigger picture.
So what misguided thinking has allowed me to turn this into a problem? And how does one disconnect the default physiological response and just do the right thing? The world is replete with stories of people who have overcome a lifetime of excuses. Is my difficulty in the very nature of the "web generation" - whereby we are able to witness entire stories of success in quick anecdotes, without a real sense of the long road involved? I believe this is the case, as the youth of today want "their share" without any understanding of the time involved in the process. They've lost perspective. I think I may be infected by this ideology.
So, insufferable as it feels, the change I want to make is a single-day-at-a-time one. That must be the overlying maxim. At the same time, it's necessary to not believe that there is a future time when success is suddenly validated: success is every little decision in the right direction. One is entitled to live as if they're already where they want, while remembering the path there is a step at a time. If you're fat and want to be healthy, then live with a healthy mindset and the decision-making process ~can~ comply. Then there is the daily effort to rise above the conditioned responses that keep you in an uninspired mindset.
See, I know all this stuff. What's bottlenecking my success? Not being present. Being in the moment is the only way to be able to take charge of ~every~ moment.
Of course, if I were sensible in the least, I would have risen above this sensation and done the exercise nonetheless. Instead, here I sit in the coffeehouse with my stomach scrunched against the table edge while I nurse my iced coffee and try to find some semblance of wisdom in my own typed words.
The fact that I can be derailed so easily by a momentary lapse of energy is telling. It's perhaps the greatest argument for actually doing the work. After all, the exercise is not difficult. I tend to feel somewhat refreshed at the end of it. There is only the defeated feeling I have manifested over time that, following the work, I am even more inspired to consume things that negate my progress. Over time this realization has evolved into the thought that, unless I am both an exercise junky and a wise diner, the effort is wasted.
Obviously, this is a correct mindset if my intention is to tone this body. Is that my motivation though? Should I approach it with vanity? My heart says no, which therefore adds more fuel to the demotivation fire. I should certainly be focused on health, particularly with advancing age and infirmity. And yet, there is little excitement for me in this. It makes it feel like work. No less so than going to my tedious current job, which gets just slightly more difficult to do every night I go.
Typing this all out, of course, makes it all seem very silly. I'm too old for this childish whining. Do the right thing because there's a bigger picture.
So what misguided thinking has allowed me to turn this into a problem? And how does one disconnect the default physiological response and just do the right thing? The world is replete with stories of people who have overcome a lifetime of excuses. Is my difficulty in the very nature of the "web generation" - whereby we are able to witness entire stories of success in quick anecdotes, without a real sense of the long road involved? I believe this is the case, as the youth of today want "their share" without any understanding of the time involved in the process. They've lost perspective. I think I may be infected by this ideology.
So, insufferable as it feels, the change I want to make is a single-day-at-a-time one. That must be the overlying maxim. At the same time, it's necessary to not believe that there is a future time when success is suddenly validated: success is every little decision in the right direction. One is entitled to live as if they're already where they want, while remembering the path there is a step at a time. If you're fat and want to be healthy, then live with a healthy mindset and the decision-making process ~can~ comply. Then there is the daily effort to rise above the conditioned responses that keep you in an uninspired mindset.
See, I know all this stuff. What's bottlenecking my success? Not being present. Being in the moment is the only way to be able to take charge of ~every~ moment.
Monday, December 15, 2014
Chasing wire
The follow up on my rewiring effort, since I hadn't seen fit to place it on record here thus far.
Finally, I let her in. She'd been knocking on the walls. I'd let no one past them for as long as I could remember. But she, like the finest of rock cutters, tapped with infinite patience. The usual people tap 50 times, complain they can't do it, and go home. A pro knows, however, that it may take 51 taps or 1,203. But it will crack, eventually, with patience and fortitude.
I'll spend a lifetime thanking her for that patience.
Finally, I let her in. She'd been knocking on the walls. I'd let no one past them for as long as I could remember. But she, like the finest of rock cutters, tapped with infinite patience. The usual people tap 50 times, complain they can't do it, and go home. A pro knows, however, that it may take 51 taps or 1,203. But it will crack, eventually, with patience and fortitude.
I'll spend a lifetime thanking her for that patience.
The tedious meanderings of infinity
On occasion (or, to be more correct, "with startling consistency") I find myself strongly focused on the silliest of things. Bills. Traffic. Western religion. The noisy neighbors. The carpet. The past. Ad infinitum, ad nauseum.
Then my consciousness does an incredible thing... it turns its attention to the universe - the one song - the infinite and unencompassible. It does so through the sieve of society's mind-training, of course, so my concept of infinity is greatly tampered by the "you can nots" that one is raised to understand. As people, jaded by their perception of experience, take on the task of raising younger beings into their own jaded pine-boxes, the you-can-nots become i-am-nots in the individual. "I am not lovable", "I am not attractive", "I am not equal to god", "I am not..." etc etc. "I am", however, is an invocation of the universal source energy. It is creation itself, which the book-thumpers and tedious thinkers tell you that you cannot do. You must, according to them, wait for the big cosmic vending machine called god to dispense your rewards, provided you insert enough spiritual coins -- and you must trust the will of the machine whether or not it gives you the item you ask for. (a concept widely paraphrased from Wayne Dyer)
Unfortunately, the individual's notion of what-I-must-have is usually narrowed to a particular result, such as "I need a new Jaguar with leather seats and ..." blah blah blah details. Broken down to a finer point, one wants some material symbol of elevated social status. Neither of these points is compatible with a higher sense of contentment, though, so the resulting reward the universe bestows will fit the intention behind the desire, rather than the desire itself. If one asks for reliable transportation, one is bound to end up with either a reliable automobile, a quality bicycle, or a strong set of legs. Intention there was not to tie one's inherent worth to material possessions, but to find a reliable way to get from point A to point B.
Intention, in love for example, is demonstrated in how one loves another. I believe love is simply service. To express love, one must be willing to serve - and the intention behind it should be to do so for no other purpose than to serve. There should be no "well, he only gave me 70% so I can only give 70% back". In such a case, love means giving 100% regardless of what one receives, and with no intention of producing (external) reward. (In cases where one is abused, they should give themselves 100% and find their way to safety however possible). Intention, in one who gives 100%, will produce an equivalent reward from the universe. In other words, "gimme gimme gimme" tells the universe to ask you for service. However, "how may I serve?" will produce a similar response from the universe - "how may I serve you?" Being in service, however, must be achieved with an intention of service alone, not service for a reward, or one generally tends to believe the damn cosmic machine is broken, and they should take it personally. "The universe is picking on me."
I am constantly reminded of this lesson every time I start to feel as if life is cheating me somehow. There's no good life or bad life. There's just life, and it's all about interpretation, intention, and contribution. Try to take material items and status with you to the grave. Can't do it? Then one must realize that all you can do with life is to give it away. In serving for the sake of serving, you will find others will serve you. But only if you really mean it, for the highest reasons, and in the greatest love.
Then my consciousness does an incredible thing... it turns its attention to the universe - the one song - the infinite and unencompassible. It does so through the sieve of society's mind-training, of course, so my concept of infinity is greatly tampered by the "you can nots" that one is raised to understand. As people, jaded by their perception of experience, take on the task of raising younger beings into their own jaded pine-boxes, the you-can-nots become i-am-nots in the individual. "I am not lovable", "I am not attractive", "I am not equal to god", "I am not..." etc etc. "I am", however, is an invocation of the universal source energy. It is creation itself, which the book-thumpers and tedious thinkers tell you that you cannot do. You must, according to them, wait for the big cosmic vending machine called god to dispense your rewards, provided you insert enough spiritual coins -- and you must trust the will of the machine whether or not it gives you the item you ask for. (a concept widely paraphrased from Wayne Dyer)
Unfortunately, the individual's notion of what-I-must-have is usually narrowed to a particular result, such as "I need a new Jaguar with leather seats and ..." blah blah blah details. Broken down to a finer point, one wants some material symbol of elevated social status. Neither of these points is compatible with a higher sense of contentment, though, so the resulting reward the universe bestows will fit the intention behind the desire, rather than the desire itself. If one asks for reliable transportation, one is bound to end up with either a reliable automobile, a quality bicycle, or a strong set of legs. Intention there was not to tie one's inherent worth to material possessions, but to find a reliable way to get from point A to point B.
Intention, in love for example, is demonstrated in how one loves another. I believe love is simply service. To express love, one must be willing to serve - and the intention behind it should be to do so for no other purpose than to serve. There should be no "well, he only gave me 70% so I can only give 70% back". In such a case, love means giving 100% regardless of what one receives, and with no intention of producing (external) reward. (In cases where one is abused, they should give themselves 100% and find their way to safety however possible). Intention, in one who gives 100%, will produce an equivalent reward from the universe. In other words, "gimme gimme gimme" tells the universe to ask you for service. However, "how may I serve?" will produce a similar response from the universe - "how may I serve you?" Being in service, however, must be achieved with an intention of service alone, not service for a reward, or one generally tends to believe the damn cosmic machine is broken, and they should take it personally. "The universe is picking on me."
I am constantly reminded of this lesson every time I start to feel as if life is cheating me somehow. There's no good life or bad life. There's just life, and it's all about interpretation, intention, and contribution. Try to take material items and status with you to the grave. Can't do it? Then one must realize that all you can do with life is to give it away. In serving for the sake of serving, you will find others will serve you. But only if you really mean it, for the highest reasons, and in the greatest love.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Feeling dumb
It's distinctly embarrassing to express one's lowest emotional meanderings, only to discover as you're doing so just how ridiculous you sound. And, as well, to discover just how few people are there listening and how blatantly they express no interest whatsoever. They're around when you have free gifts or convenient things for them to acknowledge, but when you really need them, I'm just hearing fucking crickets.
Luckily I have at least one person who's always there, although she's not the most gentle at times. Maybe I'm just too weak-natured, but sometimes when I want to fall like a feather, she hands me an anvil. I guess life hands us what we need, sometimes, rather than just what we think is best. I don't know if it's as simple as 'move past it'... maybe it is. Maybe I can just walk away from all of that, jump in to the ether, trust something higher than me.
I'll marry her, if she'll have me. She says she will. Will I remain qualified for the job? I don't know, but frankly, it's the best thing I have to fight for... a united family once more. Then I can find a new support circle to encompass that, one that is really there, not just in words (or lack thereof).
Luckily I have at least one person who's always there, although she's not the most gentle at times. Maybe I'm just too weak-natured, but sometimes when I want to fall like a feather, she hands me an anvil. I guess life hands us what we need, sometimes, rather than just what we think is best. I don't know if it's as simple as 'move past it'... maybe it is. Maybe I can just walk away from all of that, jump in to the ether, trust something higher than me.
I'll marry her, if she'll have me. She says she will. Will I remain qualified for the job? I don't know, but frankly, it's the best thing I have to fight for... a united family once more. Then I can find a new support circle to encompass that, one that is really there, not just in words (or lack thereof).
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
So what?
Even I am mystified by this notion of “rewiring.” What exactly does it mean? Is it enough that the notion stirs up energy within me toward change? Of course that’s enough, yet here I am trying to define it for… who? You? Me?
There’s the conscious, immediate self that operates on tangible ideas, and requires definitions that are understandable in a layman’s fashion. The higher self says “Be better” and that’s generally enough for it. The immediate, lower self – the one trapped in this body, in this community, in this paradigm of compromise (the collective set of rules we call society) – needs a clearer pathway to follow than just simply “be better”. And it’s the lower self typing this entry right now.
So here I am, still trying to really understand this idea of rewiring myself. Operating from a new engine in the same old physical shell. Understanding that the physical shell, over the course of time, manifests as one’s interior psychology wills it to, I know I can’t operate from a body-determines-fate aspect. (Fate, itself, is a false idea) I will manifest in the physical plane what I have sown in the internal plane. Not to say I can’t take steps to improve the body’s functioning through very tangible, physical steps; but these actions aren’t going to occur without nudging the internal processor. In a more “layman” definition, I have exercised my body but mainly in pursuit of some notion of physical beauty; health was hardly a consideration, regardless of what I expressed to anyone who would ask. One wire that needs relocation will remove the vanity from exercise and replace it with self-love.
Self-love and vanity are NOT the same. One is genuine care for the self; the other is overt concern for what others think of the self.
I am then reminded that, in the past few days, I am becoming more and more conscious of my vanity in other aspects as well. My shuttering of Facebook, once more, is my direct response to this pitiful need for attention. Look at my pics! Like them! Like my status! See me, please!
I have been, for a long time, swimming through a sea of loneliness. It is, ironically, my main companion. Certainly, I have my children on weekends and, while I enjoy their company, I am cognizant that my job is to teach them to feel comfortable in their own shoes. But this loneliness, this pervasive and vague sense of insignificance, has become all too plain to me in recent days. Part of what I did to initiate this “rewiring” is to detach myself in a very large degree from any of the tenuous connections I had. Not permanently, necessarily. But I realize that many of the connections I had nurtured were designed to distract me from the issues I didn’t want to face. And, bless all, it becomes clear over time that people want you to remain as you are for a couple reasons… one, they’d be less comfortable if you were less familiar to them (even if a change would save you); and two, they want to save you from the “inevitable” disappointment you’re “probably” going to experience when you endeavor to make changes.
So I posted on my FB one day that, aside from my children, I was pretty well disappointed in every aspect of my life. I wasn’t interested in perpetuating that. For good or bad, things needed to change because it simply was not a life I wanted as it was. I expect most people missed the posting, and so nearly a month after I disappeared from the scene, there is little concern (or even notice!) that I’m incognito. (My vanity, on occasion, huffs at this disconcern, but it’s a silly beast and should be ignored.) A small number checked on me in the first few days, and I reassured them all was well, but that I simply had to disconnect from the flurry of platitudes, repetition, and nonsense that typifies response to one’s displeasure. In other words, the mind that got you where you are is not the one that will get you where you want to be. I was very much dismayed by the amount of repetition and the lack of tangible progress I was feeling in my life, and how I had repressed my higher voice to simply try to make friends (as insincere as they were) and to ignore the difficult problems I needed to tackle to move forward. (‘Facing these problems’ held within it the distinct possibility of uncertain outcomes, and that fear of change is palpable.)
I am becoming more conscious lately that I am uncertain what will fill my time once the children grow up and move out on their own. When they’re not here, I don’t seem to occupy my time in any meaningful fashion. When they are here, I don’t do much more – but I don’t feel as alone. I do my best to be an example of patience for them. Logic. Peaceful reaction. But eventually they will go their way, which I am grateful for (as they can ask their own questions of the universe) and frightful of (both for their dangers and my own perceived purposelessness afterward.) Realizing this, of course, my mind set about pondering the question of “what comes next?” While a parent usually remains relevant long after the kids leave the nest, it would be of no service to the world (nor to them) for me to simply sit around, aging and waiting for them to need advice. Especially someone with an Icarus spirit.
Realizing all of this… the only thing that could logically happen was that I needed to unplug from old ideas, from repetitive and well-intentioned advice, and to quit feeding my ego with the ultimately uninspired applause of others. Nothing is gained from this false-idol-mindset other than to distract oneself. And that had to stop. I had to look at myself clearly. I had to stop listening to the detached voices of others and take off my rose-tinted glasses for a good long look in the mirror.
No judging the past self. And especially, no writing the negative endings, since there is no certainty as to what lies ahead. One can only control reaction and perception. I am more consciously than ever removing “I can’t” from my vocabulary. I am more easily adamant about allowing myself to make mistakes and not battle to cover them up (a flaw of ego). I am tuning out of the negative media, repressing my old, habitual desire to show off my half-baked creative efforts. I am trying to understand my overt sexualization of situations and people. I am turning back to long-ignored ideas in the divinity of the individual, something heavily repressed by this material-focused society we’ve created, where money and ego supersede our sense of community. I grow weary of average intellects (the ones that are content having the same dreary conversations about the weather every day) and I’m unimpressed by the anti-intellectual movement in this country. I do not feel superior to others yet understand fully I have nurtured my intellect in a more active way than many. The problem I have had – and one infinitely more valuable than intellect – is my emotional intelligence (or sore lack thereof).
What will fix this is to force myself to disconnect from the need for acceptance (in the form of ‘likes’ and ‘+1’ and whatever other commentary people offer on one’s expressions). I also have to remove limiting vocabulary and cliches from my self-talk. I have to disconnect meaning from the “approval of others” which I so cherish, regardless of what I’ve expressed out loud. In other words, accept my divinity, remember it regardless of the opinions of others, and use it for better purposes than just to criticize. While I have no desire to be a leader, there is truth in the idea that leaders don’t seek to create followers – they seek to create other leaders.
All of this typing, yet so little said. For any who read this, to whom I have significance in your life, understand I detach not to push away but to teach myself how to let you in. I hope you’re there when I have healed. Whatever the case, I thank you.
Rewiring, huh? Note to self: don’t hate the previous design, and don’t fear the new iteration.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
Rewire
Mosquitoes make it difficult to meditate near the lake. Certainly I could sit in the car with windows up, but then there's hardly a reason to do this at the lake. Might as well sit at home. And that's what I need to avoid at present.
The reality is, the more I realize my discontent, the less home feels like home. Inevitably this leads to the question (tired, but appropriate) "what is home?" It's rhetorical at best, since the literal answer tells nothing. It's the symbolic meaning we're after. Sometimes it's the meadows of Nebraska, the arms of a lover, the coffee shop of Main Street. There are no more mom & pop shops, so it can't be there. Sometimes home is on the road, a contradiction I find all too true for myself.
Whatever the case, this town is not home for me. It represents a poor decision - the result of a get-up - and - go idea that floundered very quickly. A year spent planning a move that would improve my fortunes (and it was not money that drove me so much as the hope to create more opportunities for myself and the kids). Yet I arrived and found myself in the same situations, only making less money, less free time, fewer friends. All in all, a complete failure when based on intention.
While I keep playing this sad song, I haven't penned a better tune. My idea that relocating to the Valley will open more opportunities is not much different than the ill-tides that brought me here. A blender doesn't become a microwave by moving it to a different counter. Only disassembly, melt-down, remolding, and reconstruction will do the job.
As a person, obviously, this is not possible. So I've got to rewire the device as it stands.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Glorious disembodiment
I've taken on a very esoteric task -- rewiring the brain. Not in some tiny fashion either. Big swaths of wire snipped and rerouted. Step one was to disconnect from virtually all my "social networks". They're a distraction. This blog is more meaningful to me, unclogged as it is by dumb memes, banal corn, uncreative intellects... not to call myself superior by any means... it is just nice to limit the content exposure. Rewiring requires that I pay attention to myself a little closer... and a few select beings that aren't trapped in disempowering patterns. I spend too much time playing a role for others, being distracted by vanity, rather than embracing my higher source.
I don't know where the path leads... I just know it feels different. And that I am excited by the prospect of embracing my particular nature rather than compromising to soothe the sensibilities of the uncreative.
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