So what?

Even I am mystified by this notion of “rewiring.”  What exactly does it mean?  Is it enough that the notion stirs up energy within me toward change?  Of course that’s enough, yet here I am trying to define it for… who?  You?  Me?

There’s the conscious, immediate self that operates on tangible ideas, and requires definitions that are understandable in a layman’s fashion.  The higher self says “Be better” and that’s generally enough for it.  The immediate, lower self – the one trapped in this body, in this community, in this paradigm of compromise (the collective set of rules we call society) – needs a clearer pathway to follow than just simply “be better”.  And it’s the lower self typing this entry right now.

So here I am, still trying to really understand this idea of rewiring myself.  Operating from a new engine in the same old physical shell.  Understanding that the physical shell, over the course of time, manifests as one’s interior psychology wills it to, I know I can’t operate from a body-determines-fate aspect.  (Fate, itself, is a false idea)  I will manifest in the physical plane what I have sown in the internal plane.  Not to say I can’t take steps to improve the body’s functioning through very tangible, physical steps; but these actions aren’t going to occur without nudging the internal processor.  In a more “layman” definition, I have exercised my body but mainly in pursuit of some notion of physical beauty; health was hardly a consideration, regardless of what I expressed to anyone who would ask.  One wire that needs relocation will remove the vanity from exercise and replace it with self-love.

Self-love and vanity are NOT the same.  One is genuine care for the self; the other is overt concern for what others think of the self.

I am then reminded that, in the past few days, I am becoming more and more conscious of my vanity in other aspects as well.  My shuttering of Facebook, once more, is my direct response to this pitiful need for attention.  Look at my pics!   Like them!  Like my status!  See me, please!

I have been, for a long time, swimming through a sea of loneliness.  It is, ironically, my main companion.  Certainly, I have my children on weekends and, while I enjoy their company, I am cognizant that my job is to teach them to feel comfortable in their own shoes.  But this loneliness, this pervasive and vague sense of insignificance, has become all too plain to me in recent days.  Part of what I did to initiate this “rewiring” is to detach myself in a very large degree from any of the tenuous connections I had.  Not permanently, necessarily.  But I realize that many of the connections I had nurtured were designed to distract me from the issues I didn’t want to face.  And, bless all, it becomes clear over time that people want you to remain as you are for a couple reasons… one, they’d be less comfortable if you were less familiar to them (even if a change would save you); and two, they want to save you from the “inevitable” disappointment you’re “probably” going to experience when you endeavor to make changes.

So I posted on my FB one day that, aside from my children, I was pretty well disappointed in every aspect of my life.  I wasn’t interested in perpetuating that.  For good or bad, things needed to change because it simply was not a life I wanted as it was.  I expect most people missed the posting, and so nearly a month after I disappeared from the scene, there is little concern (or even notice!) that I’m incognito.  (My vanity, on occasion, huffs at this disconcern, but it’s a silly beast and should be ignored.)  A small number checked on me in the first few days, and I reassured them all was well, but that I simply had to disconnect from the flurry of platitudes, repetition, and nonsense that typifies response to one’s displeasure.  In other words, the mind that got you where you are is not the one that will get you where you want to be.  I was very much dismayed by the amount of repetition and the lack of tangible progress I was feeling in my life, and how I had repressed my higher voice to simply try to make friends (as insincere as they were) and to ignore the difficult problems I needed to tackle to move forward.  (‘Facing these problems’ held within it the distinct possibility of uncertain outcomes, and that fear of change is palpable.)

I am becoming more conscious lately that I am uncertain what will fill my time once the children grow up and move out on their own.  When they’re not here, I don’t seem to occupy my time in any meaningful fashion.  When they are here, I don’t do much more – but I don’t feel as alone.  I do my best to be an example of patience for them.  Logic.  Peaceful reaction.  But eventually they will go their way, which I am grateful for (as they can ask their own questions of the universe) and frightful of (both for their dangers and my own perceived purposelessness afterward.)  Realizing this, of course, my mind set about pondering the question of “what comes next?”  While a parent usually remains relevant long after the kids leave the nest, it would be of no service to the world (nor to them) for me to simply sit around, aging and waiting for them to need advice.  Especially someone with an Icarus spirit.

Realizing all of this… the only thing that could logically happen was that I needed to unplug from old ideas, from repetitive and well-intentioned advice, and to quit feeding my ego with the ultimately uninspired applause of others.  Nothing is gained from this false-idol-mindset other than to distract oneself.  And that had to stop.  I had to look at myself clearly.  I had to stop listening to the detached voices of others and take off my rose-tinted glasses for a good long look in the mirror. 

No judging the past self.  And especially, no writing the negative endings, since there is no certainty as to what lies ahead.  One can only control reaction and perception.  I am more consciously than ever removing “I can’t” from my vocabulary.  I am more easily adamant about allowing myself to make mistakes and not battle to cover them up (a flaw of ego).  I am tuning out of the negative media, repressing my old, habitual desire to show off my half-baked creative efforts.  I am trying to understand my overt sexualization of situations and people.  I am turning back to long-ignored ideas in the divinity of the individual, something heavily repressed by this material-focused society we’ve created, where money and ego supersede our sense of community.  I grow weary of average intellects (the ones that are content having the same dreary conversations about the weather every day) and I’m unimpressed by the anti-intellectual movement in this country.  I do not feel superior to others yet understand fully I have nurtured my intellect in a more active way than many.  The problem I have had – and one infinitely more valuable than intellect – is my emotional intelligence (or sore lack thereof).

What will fix this is to force myself to disconnect from the need for acceptance (in the form of ‘likes’ and ‘+1’ and whatever other commentary people offer on one’s expressions).  I also have to remove limiting vocabulary and cliches from my self-talk.  I have to disconnect meaning from the “approval of others” which I so cherish, regardless of what I’ve expressed out loud.  In other words, accept my divinity, remember it regardless of the opinions of others, and use it for better purposes than just to criticize.  While I have no desire to be a leader, there is truth in the idea that leaders don’t seek to create followers – they seek to create other leaders.

All of this typing, yet so little said.  For any who read this, to whom I have significance in your life, understand I detach not to push away but to teach myself how to let you in.  I hope you’re there when I have healed.  Whatever the case, I thank you.

Rewiring, huh?  Note to self: don’t hate the previous design, and don’t fear the new iteration.