Verging virgin

I don't know if there's a meaning to the word "verging" or if it even exists outside of this post.  I am going to pirate and refashion it, if it does exist elsewhere, to mean that point at which one knows a monumental shift in either altitude or attitude is about to happen, and one is actively prepared for it.  I am on the verge, and ready for it - I am actively verging.

Of course, I am a virgin to verging, so I cannot say with anything more than an educated speculation as to what exactly transpires at that moment of alteration.  Anyone who considers the actual nature of "change" understands that change happens in instants.  One can neurotically push forward an inevitable transformation for years, calling it "preparation", but change happens immediately when one frame of thought gives way to another permanently.  That quantum shift is beyond the "verge", it's the breakthrough.

The verge, in many ways, is that neurotic push-forward of the moment of change.  When one says "I am on the verge of a change," what they're essentially saying is "I know the right choice, I'm just psyching myself up for it."

They have the two-ness happening within - those odd times when they say things like "I am such an idiot."  First off, if in fact you were an idiot, chances are you don't know it.  So, if that is true, then there are two of you - the one who recognizes the idiot, and the idiot.  Now, most people will operate from idiot level, all the while conceding to the non-idiot's periodic observations of how it "can't believe [you] did that" or "[you] know better than that!" and so on.

The real question then - if we're composed of two - a higher self and an idiot - why do so many choose to remain at this idiot level?  Why not be the higher self?  The practice of doing so is referred elsewhere as "cultivating the witness" - essentially, standing 10 feet behind yourself and just witnessing, non-judgmentally, who you are and how you react to the conditions around you.  The higher self does not mock or punish its idiot counterpart, it merely observes and takes notes.  And as it does, over time, the idiot starts to transform into something else.

The idiot, therefore, is the essence of someone who is "verging".  The higher self watching the idiot without judgment is not verging; it is a higher self because it already knows better, and is readily able to recognize the idiot's poor choices.  The idiot strives for the moment of change, then pushes it further ahead to linger in a kind of purgatory a while longer.  The higher self watches and waits for the idiot to realize forward is inward.

So, it turns out I'm not a verging virgin, but am in fact well-versed in it.  That quantum moment of change is very clear, and it is not outside of me at all.  The door to enlightenment opens inward, and it leads to everything outside.